Home invasion continued
Last time on “Monolith’s Memoirs” we heard the every so interesting recollection of our resident warforged barbarian as recalled through the voice in his tin can brain. Incase you hadn’t read, Monolith, and a bunch of other interesting individuals found themselves summoned via invitation to a funeral for some guy they’d never heard of, that had a connection to their mentors, or some shit like that.
Anyway they had a chat with the lady the next morning after she avoided them all night, and basically admitted she’d lured them into a trap, and that they were going to be swept off to some nefarious far off land upon leaving the castle by some otherworldly mist of sorts. The individuals all left together (strength in numbers, or so I’m told), and got swept to said far off land. They met an unfriendly ghost fellow on the road to do battle with, saw some weirdo in a strange carriage pulled by a bunch of humanoids, and wound up inside a strange house after a pair of kids claimed their parents had a monster they were holding at bay in the basement.
After heading inward, the group found a the house a bit odd, Monolith grabbed an animal pelt to use as a cloak and broke a pair of antlers off a stuffed deer head, then they searched around the rooms going up to about the 3rd floor. At the 3rd floor they split up, and he found a secret room containing a dead body, a bunch of weird evil looking books, and a note from the nefarious Strahd Von Zarovich. And that’s where our story picks up.
*Re-entering the mechanical mind of Monolith*
So fuck, mommy and daddy was into some sick shit eh? I mean, assuming dey were the ones who got dis note. I ain’t chancing shit tho, guns are hot, and after draggin this chest full of evil lookin books out here (I’ll be back for you babies later, I betcha someone goin pay real nice for you.), I’m ready to roll.
Me an the homies peep the last room on that level, ain’t nuthin fancy, some servants quarters n shit, so we bounce and head on upstairs. Get some more loot, maybe find the damn door to the basement (Man, what kinda dumbass’s goin be puttin they door to the damn basement anywhere but A.) outside, or B.) on the damn ground floor?).
Course, when I get to the top of the stairs, I see some asshole tryin to bow up, an I’m like “oh hell naw homie. You ain’t bout this life! I’mma fuck yo shit up. Come to big daddy Monolith!” as I step in and crack that fool in his rusty ass armor with my morning star. My homies close behind can see some shit’s goin down, so they all swarm his dumbass and we just stomp a mother fucker out.
“BAM BAM YEA BITCH HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW! WHAT YOU GOIN DO HUH? GET UP PUSSY! GET UP!”
He ain’t get up tho, and after we was done with our fun we realized there wasn’t no dude inside the armor. That shit’s got me trippin out, like what the fuck’s goin on some empty ass armor gonna be jumpin up tryin to fuck with us and shit? Man I better find some expensive ass jewelry in this bitch for my troubles, we all better, these kids got some fucked up parents and Monolith gots to get paid.
So anyway, hustle is back on as ain’t none of us wanna be chillin out in this damn place longer than we has to. I start kickin in doors north of tin man here (maybe if he’d had a damn brain we coulda been homies, what a waste) an we ain’t findin much of note, this third level of the house is nasty as fuck for some reason. Mom and Dad must be to busy cuttin up bitches to clean past floor two. Or maybe they weren’t able to lure in anymore outsiders and started killin of the help, bit mistake pops, but I guess the bottom half’s shiney enough, this shit just feels like a bait an switch to me tho.
One of the closets we pop open has a bunch of servants clothes chillin in it, so I’m like “word, imma put that shit on homies.” and they like “the fuck you gonna do that for?” and I’m like “shit son, ain’t you never heard of camouflage? Maybe we happen on someone else won ain’t know us, then I can just be all like — Chill, I clean this bitch and these homies are with me. We had some big ass rat problems, so they came in to find em out ya dig? — boom, fuckin solid. In the clear. Thank me later, knowhaimsayin?”. They still givin me looks like i’m some damn weirdo, but they’ll see, better safe than sorry.
Finding our way around clearin the rooms, some homies wander off to the southern ones to check em out, not finding anything of note I decide to follow suit and over to a door they passed up. Probably a hallway closet, but you know, I like to be thorough ya dig? Open it up and yea, it’s a closet, bit bigger than most tho, so I step inside to check it out.
*CRACK* was the sound of that goddamn broom hittin me in the goddamn head! No not fallin, I mean this bitch up and flew at my damn head. Had a few people askin me what the deal was, as I smashed that little shit to smithereens. Magic bro came over and cast a spell that put it back together, which had me nervous for a sec but it ain’t move, bitch is still a dead ass broom… good.
Den I went towards the room dey’d been headin into, an headed out onto the balcony. Mist’s gotten pretty damn thick tho, shit’s right up to the edge of the thing and I can’t see an inch into it. So headin back inside, everyone chillin and pokin around, I head on up to another door I somehow managed to miss on my way in.
Not hearing anything inside, I naturally kick that bitch open “KNOCK KNOCK ANYONE DER?”. Course, figures right as I’d open my bigass mouth some shit was about to happen, an some crazy ass ghost bitch appears up outta the bed screamin and shit about her babies. Looking back, It would seem I kicked down the door to the nursery, ain’t nothing inside tho so I ain’t know what this bitches trippin about.
So I’m like “Yo Casper the Crazy Cunt! We ain’t wanna hurt yo kids, chill the fuck out!”, course she ain’t in no mood to be listenin to no sense (typical woman, yeesh), and I’m afraid she goin go all full crazy on my homie who was takin a nap under where she floatin now.
*Sigh, fuckin crazy ass ghost bitches* I thought, tossin aside my shield and morning start for somethin a bit bigger, a big ass greatsword as I proceed to try and cut this hoe in half. I mean, it’s a ghost but we fucked one up earlier on that damn road so I’m thinkin this bitch’ll be the same. Mainly tho, I just wanna get the hoe’s attention, so my other not so buff homies can sneak up and shank em from behind.
Magic homie throws some spells, other homies throw some steel, I think the bitch got a piece of one or two of us, but she ain’t get the whole piece so we good. We was all dog ass tired after that tho, so we said fuck it, let’s catch a snooze. I ain’t gotta sleep so I let all these guys get some shut eye an watch the front door. Ain’t gonna be no fuckers sneakin up on us, tho before headin out the spell homie’s over playin with a mirror on the wall.
I’m like “yo dawg, ain’t you tired? Get some sleep homie!”, dude ignores me and keeps right on fidgintin with it, so I’m like whatever, homie can do what he wants. Wouldn’t you know it tho when I heard a click and that damn thing slid sideways, dude found a secret door! He’s like “aight, now I can take nap”, guess he had a funny feeling about the thing. I know what that’s like tho homie, when you gotta scratch an itch ain’t nuthin gonna stop you, no hard feelings bruh.
So they take a good longass rest, I chill and power down for a bit then check through my weapons. Go back downstairs and thumb through some of the evil ass lookin books I can’t read (hey man, sometimes they got cool pictures inside, you never know.) and head on back up. Figured we cool by this point, killed that stupid ass in the armor, and Casper the crazy cunt ain’t seem to wanna come round no more, so I wasn’t none too worried.
Once all the homies are back up and ready to get savage on some more of the fools hidin round here, I head on up into the secret door with the others in tow, shield up in case somethin pops out so I can slap the punk ass bitch right in the face.
Anyway, the stairs up led to the attic (big fuckin surprise there eh?), an wouldn’t ya know it there were some more punk ass ghosts hangin out in one of the rooms. Strangely though, dey was ghosts of the lil kids that led us into this crazy ass house in the first place. So we all like “Yo lil homies, whatcha doin up here? And whatcha doin dead?” course, that was a few seconds before I done noticed the bones and clothes lying on the floor nearby.
Shit, damn kids starved to death up here *sigh*, I’mma fuck these parents up when I find em. One of our other homies, some old dude who’s a bit nutty, likes throwin rocks n shit at stuff gathered their bones up in a sack. Wants to go give em a proper burial an all that, props homie, that’s some noble shit an these poor kids deserve nothing less, they sure as hell drew the short straw in life with these damn parents tho I tell you what.
Anyway, kids were able to follow us round once we started carryin their remains and whatnot, so maybe they’d have some more useful information. They’d already told us bout some other secret door up here that led on down to the basement, or was it a dungeon? I gotta check that note again, tho with how fucked up these parents was I got my money on dungeon. Also found another dead body, looks like it was that crazy ghost bitches from earlier, clothes had some stab marks with blood stains, guess the parents got tired of the bitch. Though if I think back, the crazy bitch was babbling on about “don’t touch my kid!” or some shit, at some point during her screaming… maybe psycho cunt was fuckin daddy and mommy found out, then killed her after the baby was born? Seriously, fuck these crazy ass people.
So anyway we back at it, I’m leading the charge as we’re ploughing on into the bowels of this wretched ass house. I’m ready to crack some fools after findin out what happened to em, got some anger that needs lettin loose. Anyway we get down there, and wouldn’t ya fuckin know it’s a goddamn dungeon. I fuckin knew these suck fucks had to have something worse goin on downstairs after findin that note with the dead body. Seriously tho, who’s surprised? Definitely not me.
Headin in I start goin room to room, ain’t takin no chances, gotta be surgical with this bitch knowhaimsayin? Ain’t commin across much, found some empty tombs for the family members layin open, went a bit further and found some more. Oh look, moms coffin is closed, maybe the wretched hoe left some jewelry behind eh? She ain’t gonna need that shit I thought, grabbin the edge, pushing the stone lid off onto the floor.
Well shit, wouldn’t ya know it that this evil bitch had her coffin filled with fuckin centipedes? Not just a few no, I’m talkin thousands! Thankfully, that just makes em easier to squish, and squish I did, with one of my homies poppin in from behind to lend a hand, dey was pretty easy tho. Ain’t sweatin a few bugs. Kept pushin forward an found some more rooms, got a shiny ass silver shortsword from one of the piles I dug through (score!), and I think the others got bling as well.
Wasn’t all bad tho, next crypt across the way was the kiddos, so we laid dey bones to rest inside an dey disappeared. Peace out homies, hope you goin somewhere better than this shit ass house.
Stepping into the next hall I hear a growling, as we’re set upon by four of the stankiest ass ghouls you ever done smelled. I mean these bitches was RIPE, no lie, I don’t think imma forget that shit anytime soon. So I do my thing and funnel them in, backin up through the hallway towards my homies and takin chunks outta these stanky ass fucks. I’m content to hang out here in the doorway just smashin away, got that old dude who likes to throw rocks standin here next to me bashin these bitches with some gnarly ass club he just poofed into his hand, SHAZAM BITCHES!
Then the other book worm and our other homies are like “hey let em into the room, I’mma blast these fools with some magic yo!”, so figuring these aren’t proving too tough I’m like “word homie, blast these fools!” and step aside letting them start flooding into the room.
Turns out that was a mistake as they quickly closed with the back ranks, thought it was weird how dey went after all the homies ain’t done nothin to em yet, me and the hippie here been smackin em good, should be all eyes on us ya dig? But nah, dey just hungry I guess, goin for whatever looks tasty, and close. None too smart these things, but neither was we for letting go of our advantage, now it went from a controlled burn with us bashing through them to an all out brawl with claws and teeth flying everywhere as nobody was now safe.
Before I knew what’d happened, I saw my battle buddie’d been knocked unconscious by one of the damn things, right before an arrow sailed through the air lodging itself in the things head and killing it. “Nice shootin tex!” I cry, moving up closer past the corpse towards the others. It was a rough battle, but we made it through in one piece and kept on truckin. Ain’t no rest for the wicked as dey say.
A few more twists and turns winds us up in some creepy lookin wide open room, got skeletons and shit hangin out and some fuckin weird ass lookin statue holding a crystal ball or something. After all the shit we been through I ain’t takin no chances, dis statues gotta go as I put away the morning star and shield, and crack out the big daddy maul to pound this ugly thing into rubble.
BOOM! A crack lets out as I connect, a reverberation shoots through as the statue shivers slightly from the impact, appearing otherwise unharmed. But then something worse happened, of course something worse was gonna happen. Parts of the statue started glowin and shit, all of a sudden there’s these dark ass lookin things showin up all over the damn room, lookin like shadows but standin tall. I took a swing at one, the maul flyin through that bitch just like he was a ghost and appearing just as effective.
Then one of the bitches nailed me, fuck was that cold, fucker seemed to be sappin my strength too. As my other homies joined the fray, I tossed aside that bigass weapon for something smaller and pulled out the silver short sword, thinkin maybe it’d be better, but also cuz I wanted to try and block these fools from hittin me. That shit hurt.
It was back and forth for a bit, we slowly took em down one by one tho, the other magic homie tossin out spells and shit, then runnin cross the room to let some big blast out. It hit me but, we cool, ain’t hurt that much, besides we needed all the help we could get against these fools. I drank a healing potion at one point between weapon swings, must of gotten a bad one tho cuz it ain’t do much, but somethin’s better than nuthin so it’s chill.
We managed to get em all thanks to some fancy spell work, and everyone keepin they cool and maintaining discipline. Tho we was pretty ragged afterwards. Hope that’s the worst of this place but somehow I doubt it, no telling what the sick fucks who lived here have hiding out down here.
Guess i’ll find out next week.
Grumpy Rambling 