Our first D&D game session into the 5E module Curse of strahd as recalled by the voice in the head of my warforged barbarian – Monolith. It’s important to note that his actual voice ingame sounds nothing like this, in fact when talking to his companions he sounds like a stereotypical robot, and his speech is also mostly robotic. He yearns to be free from the constraints of his voice modulator, however I fear he will be forever be stuck with it.
So yo dawg, like see we all got invited to this weird dude’s castle who knew one of our mentors or relatives, or some shit like that. Heard he adventured with em and was a real badass or something. Anyway, he died, so someone summoned us to his funeral and shit, and I dunno about the rest of these fools but I was like “shit, I ain’t got nothin better to be doin, they invited my dead homie here so it’s only right I go in his stead, ya dig?”, so I hopped a few rides and made my way over there.
This place was fucking huuuuuge man, like they had all sorts of shit poppin off. It ain’t look like no funeral I ever done seen, people were talking and dancing, there was music, an food n’ drink aplenty. I started kickin it with some of the dudes who arrived with me ya know, just doing my thang an all (plus, they were the only other ones who looked like they wasn’t from dez parts if you know what I’m sayin). Anyway one of the dudes looked at one of the other dudes and was like “hey man, you wanna help me entertain this crowd? Lets Jam!” And I was all like out on the dance floor doing a sweet robot dance n shit, then I was like thinkin “awww shit son, lemme get in on these funky tunes” and started bangin a couple spoons on my head. Crowd wasn’t feelin it tho, think I might of been a lil out of tune. They seemed to like the magic light show one of them dudes put on for em afterwards though, so *shrug*, no harm no foul.
Then we’d had enough of that jazz and went lookin for our hostess, but that bitch was duckin us somethin fierce man. Soon enough we all got tired of that white women playin hard to get and started making our way over tryin to holler at her. She was slippery tho, kept duckin us and gettin away like a damn magician or something. Anyway it got late, an the others were gettin tired, so we ran off to our rooms. Tho I don’t really do the sleeping thing like these humans, so I just chilled out for like 4 hours, then fucked around with the room a bit, looking for I dunno, whatever. Some dwarf came bursting into my pad pretty early in the night tho, dude was drunk as fuuuuuck man, he passed out pretty quick tho so I just let em be, no harm no foul, even if he did puke on the carpet (ain’t my carpet, why do I give a damn?).
Next morning we started lookin for that damn white woman again, an she finally stuck round for more than a minute to let us talk, tho she wanted I guess, all us outsiders that’d been invited to be there. So sure as shit my ass gotta be waitin round again (why they always makin me wait? sheeet.). Got us all rounded up like cattle or something, and I got my first good look at these other goofballs who’d heeded the call as well. I mean aside from that drunk ass dwarf (I might of insinuated we boinked or something with a wink and some silence after being asked about what happened.), we had some smelly lookin dude in greenish armor, some guy who was a bit stand offish n stuff, and another normal-ish lookin homie who’d done the magic light show that seemed personable enough.
Once she got us all rounded up (what am I a cow? Mooo bitch mooo!), she spilled the beans and told us she’d been one lyin ass trick. Told us that she’d brought us here because of some shit about us being connected with the dude who died, guess some of us had relatives, or mentors that’d been all buddy buddy stabbing goblins with him or something. Anyway that seemed fine at first, till she sprang some other news us on, that we were bout to get trapped in some nightmare land or some shit. Like, when we left her big ass castle some spooky fog was bout to come sweep our asses away to Oz or something. Needless to say none of us was too keen on that, so we was like “what the fuck yo?”, an she said we was needed to help “rid the land of some dark power” or some other bullshit.
Afterwards she did some weird shit with some cards, I don’t believe in that fortune telling bullshit tho so I just let her get it over with so we could damn well leave before whatever stupid fog monster was bout to come scoop us up came.
I was bout ready to get outta there, but we made nice an whatever, all kinda headed off in the same direction traveling together (after all that crazy shit she was talkin, we figured it’d be safer to stick close, least till we got back to a city or something). Had a long day and decided to turn in, figured I’d go ahead and keep my peepers open, I ain’t need to sleep like the rest of these homies so wasn’t no big thang. Then some thick ass fog came rolling in, didn’t hear anything strange so I just chalked it up to bad weather, but then the shit just wouldn’t go away ya know? Just stuck around like some naggin ass hoe lookin for a sugar daddy, Monolith ain’t got time for all this bullshit. Fuck yo couch fog!
So everyone started waking up, wondering what the fuck was going on with the weird ass fog. On one side the shit was thick like a damn wall, and the other a road kinda kept on going. Then we saw something an I figured we must be trippin. Maybe some of that food the chick gave us had some funny stuff in it, because fuck if we ain’t see some dude looked like a skeleton riding a skeleton. And I’m just thinkin “DUDE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! THIS IS SOME TRIPPY SHIT!”, but you know, gotta play it cool on the outside so I just stay quiet. Damn thing’s riding around on some big ass horse skeleton and rides by dropping something, I think magic man went over to investigate because the hell if I’m goin near that damn thing.
After that we figured it was probably best to avoid the fog, I mean, who knows? Maybe that dude was perfectly normal, then he tried to run around in the damn fog and got turned into a skeleton. I ain’t got time for that shit, I mean what’ll happen to me? I ain’t even got a skeleton!
Anyway I was like “yo dawgs, I’m goin this way because fuck all that noise” an they was like “word, let’s not go chasing skeletons n’ shit”, an we started off down this road some more (I got my sword handy, because there’s some weird shit out here and I gotta be ready to cut a bitch.), and fuck if we ain’t see some new homie come running at us or some shit screaming. Only as he got closer I noticed he wasn’t running, he was floating, an I could kinda see through him. If I’d had blood it’d probably gone run strait the fuck out my face as I paused for a moment trying to register the events.
Then my friends started throwin and shootin shit at it, and I was just thinkin “Woah, chill homies, we ain’t know what’s goin on here! Maybe ghost bro has a legit problem!”, but nah, it’s to late! Ain’t no time for that now, ghost bro came at me swingin! So I was like “Yo, fuck you ghost bro, I ain’t done shit to you homie!” and swung my big ass sword (for all the good that’d do right? What the fuck’s a sword gonna do to a ghost, but I ain’t got nothin else, and nowhere to run so fuck it right?) and cut that fool, and we all just jumped on him and stomped out his bitch ass. Fuck kinda stupid you gotta be, to be rollin up on a bunch of armed and dangerous mofuggas screamin, an spittin an shit?
Anyway ghost bro done vanished, guess we musta killed his ass, or he got scared or something. We kept on steppin down the road without incident, the other ghost bros musta seen what happened to their homie and decided they ain’t want no part of this shit. Smart movie, I got my eye out, and we ain’t fraid to cut a bitch!
Before long, we came up on some big ass fuckin wall. I mean this shit was huuuuuuuuge, massive, like it was a big ass beautiful wall. Cept for the two statues by its giant ass gates, things look like someone fucked them bitches up. Giant ass boulder sized heads were sitting in the ground nearby as we passed. As we rolled up ,these giant ass gates started creaking open, and they was loud as fuck (seriously man, oil that shit up yeesh.), and after my damn sound sensors stopped ringing I continued leading the damn way into whatever bullshit was most definitely waitin on us inside.
And the weird shit just kept on coming. It was getting dark an kinda hard to see, but a light was bouncing towards us in the distance coming down the road. All I’m thinkin is “Aww great, another ghost, wait, can ghosts carry lanterns? Hmm, maybe it’s someone can tell me where the fuck we at!”. Then I see it’s a damn carriage plodding towards us down the road, didn’t seem to be a ghost, so I’m thinkin “oh cool, ain’t a damn ghost.
But then, and I can’t even make this shit up, I see the damn carriage thing is being pulled by people, fuckin PEOPLE! Some honkey ass elf sittin up on top with reigns and a whip crackin them bitches along like a bunch of horses. We all just stop and watch, because frankly this is some weird ass shit that I ain’t fixin to be fuckin with, then the damn thing stops, an I’m like “aww fuck”. Then that door creaks open (seriously people, oil you’re fuckin hinges), and some pale ass dude dressed up all fancy an shit steps out all casual like looking at us.
He starts talkin some stupid shit bout a woman, an how we ain’t supposed to touch her, an some other shit. We’re just like “The fuck you talkin bout bruh? We don’t even know where the fuck we at. How you spect we bout to be fuckin with some bitch we ain’t even know exists?”, and bein the rude bitch he is, he just smiles and starts off back into his carriage without answering the goddamn question..
Anyway, old grungy dude in green is like “aww hell naw”, working a little magic with a stick he pokes out in front of em, tryin to trip the dude up. Get this though, rude homie just fuckin floats over that shit! Fucking FLOATS! Not like, a euphemism for gracefully moving over it either. Nah this mofugga legit floated his fancy ass up an over that shit like some wizard walkin on water.
A few of the other homies are lookin at me, and each other like “yo dawg, you gonna do something?”, and all I can think is “The fuck I’m supposed to do? I dunno shit about this dude, and I ain’t fixin to become a new member of his cart pulling team, so no thanks homie, imma pass on that shit.” as the carriage continues on, and we hear him laughing from within. Seriously, no thanks, fuck that guy.
So anyway this damn mist just keeps on keepin on, and the fog was rolling in something fierce, we saw a town in the nearby distance so we followed the road that way. Kept hearin weird noises along the way, but so long as they stay wherever they at, and we stay wherever we at, those homies can be cool and keep on howlin an screamin they heads off for all I care.. Then we get to town and the place seems fuckin empty, all I can think is “great, an empty ass town, just great.”, but then we find one dead ass son bitch stuffed in a damn bush not too far within, pretty fresh and all clawed to shit, so someone was livin round here.
Continuing north up some road in the town (only damn road that seemed clear of fog), we came across a couple of cryin kids, and the first thing that comes to my mind is “fuck these kids doin out here?”. So we approach em, and the kids plead us for help, tellin us there some monster or whatever in their basement, an that their parents are struggling to keep it locked up while they find help. Course, they don’t wanna show us where inside, so we said “whatever, fuck it, you kids stay near the front so you’re safe.”, and headed in.
Being pretty well over all this bullshit, I just went all beast mode and kicked in the front door. Gotta let the monster know we playin no shit right? Assert dominance or some shit like that. Anyway, one of the dudes who got stuck here with us was like “yo homie chill, try the doorknob first”, and sure enough they were unlocked. Kinda took some of the fun outta it, but whatever, so my 6’6” wood and metal ass turned around and put a finger up to my speech area all like “shhhh, let’s be all quiet an shit then, maybe we can sneak up on em.”. These fools ain’t know my big ass was also a ninja, stealthily creeping around the first floor, peeking into the den an seein OH SHIT THREE WOLVES!
Thankfully my panic subsided pretty fast, quickly realizing they were in fact stuffed wolves and not live ones. Shit was pretty menacing looking tho, if I had a heart it might of damn well skipped a beat. Anyway, I saw this badass lookin deer head hangin over the fire place and was like “oh hell yes”, as I looked around to see if anyone was watching, and broke those big ass antlers off nice and clean from the stem, hanging em off the side of my belt. Then as I turned around, saw this fly ass lookin fur rug draped over some fancy ass chair, so I snatched that shit up because homie needs a fur cloak. Turned around an saw the dwarf having some trouble with a locked cabinet, so I was like “hold on homie, lemme help you with that” and wedged my big ass sword in the crack, easily poppin that shit open to reveal a few different types of crossbows and their requisite ammunition.
Course, I wasn’t bout to be a rude fuck and take it, but the dwarf and whoever else was nearby figured i’d be easier for me to carry, what with how fuckin badass and strong I am. So I was like “True true, no worries homies, I got it, just holler if you need anything.”, and we continued on, meeting a couple of the other bros who’d been checkin out the other north side rooms. Bottom floor seemed relatively clear, strangely enough there wasn’t a door to the cellar, but we figured “fuck it, might as well check the rest of the house for trouble while we’re here.”. Though you know I’d be on the lookout for fancy shit, gotta look fly and all, wardrobe needs some upgrades.
Speaking of upgrades, upon checking the last door downstairs we discovered a coat closet, and I’ll be damned if there wasn’t a sweet ass top hat in there with my goddamn name on it! So I snatched that shit up right quick, as our ranger decided to run on ahead upstairs followed by the others as I took up the rear makin sure my hat was fittin just right. Can’t rush lookin good after all.
Anyway, I made my way up and found em all playin with some suits of armor that appeared to be decorating some big ass open area between two rooms. Since they seemed occupied, I figured fuck it, lemme go peep this north room and snoop around for something. I heard the others run off to the southern one as I did. As luck would have it, I found a secret door hiding in the back of that room yes sir, and boy oh boy did it have some juicy shit inside.
Well, juicy shit in the form of a dead guy, been dead a long ass time too, was a skeleton by now and crumpled half over some damn chest with a note in one hand and a dart in his neck. Was pretty obvious the dart’d come from the chest, dumbass shoulda checked for traps first, amature. Anyway there was some book shelves nearby too, with some pretty wicked lookin shit on them. Books bout necromancy and demons an shit, wicked in a bad way. So I’m more interested in the piece of paper in homies hand, like what the fuck’s he holdin onto that’s so important he died with it?
Shit was some note from a guy named Strahd Von Zarovich. I guess the house was home to some kinda death cult who worshipped him as a god, and sacrificed people in hopes of being “blessed” by their dark lord. The note from Strahd though basically told em they was a bunch of bitches, and that he wasn’t goin be blessing nobody, no way, now how, and he’d be happy watching them all die miserably. Damn son, bunch of cold sons of bitches around here.
So I was thinkin “Fuck, this is some important shit, I should probably show the others.”, so I dumped over the chest to get the damn bag of bones outta there, he was dirtying up my new carry case, and stuffed all those wicked (and expensive) looking books off the shelf into the chest. Maybe I can find some nerd willing to pay big for em. Then dragged that shit out back to the main hall along with the letter to meet the group.
Anyway though, he also mentioned something about the basement being a dungeon, so there’s probably some gnarly shit downstairs. An I’m guessin those fuckin kids been workin for mommy and daddy luring unsuspecting chumps like us to our deaths. Not this time assholes, we’re gonna fuck your shit up, and I’ll burn this goddamn house to the ground if I have to, bitches better believe that shit. Real talk.
Grumpy Rambling 